The Need for Human Connection (in the Age of Social Distancing)

Human beings are social animals. The need for friendship is built into our DNA. Our entire civilization rests on a web of social connections, including our nuclear families, extended clan, workplace relationships, club memberships, volunteer organizations, and religious affiliations. Or as business consultant and psychologist Dr. John Townsend writes, “In times of crisis, the research [about what people need] comes down to two things: support and structure.” 

But being with people we like doesn’t just give us the support and structure we crave. Interpersonal connections can even trigger an actual neurochemical response. The release of such “bonding” chemicals as oxytocin and serotonin allow us to connect to others in a deep physiological way.

Biochemistry aside, without societal bonding, civilization as we know it would collapse. After all, the need for human bonding is particularly strong in times of crisis. After the 9/11 terrorist attacks, for example, people seeking solace and support from others packed churches and other houses of worship. Likewise, in the aftermath of tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes and other natural disasters, embracing friends and loved ones can provide enormous relief, even joy. And after a prolonged hospitalization, one of the greatest pleasures can be just being outside in the presence of others.

In light of such realities, it’s easy to see why the current COVID-19 lockdown is putting such a strain on our psyches. Social distancing — while necessary for saving lives — is not natural. It also runs counter to everything millions of years of natural selection have designed us to seek. With our lives in danger, we want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to empathize with others and participate in a shared emotional experience. Social distancing makes this nearly impossible.

Nearly, but not completely. We are fortunate this pandemic occurred during an era of virtually universal telecommunications technology. Not only do we have telephones and smartphones, we also have access to crucial technologies, like GoToMeeting, Skype, Zoom, FaceTime, and other forms of videoconferencing. 

Of course, videoconferencing is no substitute for an actual face-to-face meeting. Any virtual environment sorely lacks complete interpersonal connectivity. But, like margarine to butter, teleconferencing offers a viable substitute for a real-life sit-down. 

I experienced this truth first-hand shortly after most state and local governments throughout the United States mandated social distancing orders. During a teleconference, a group of friends and I were sharing how social distancing was impacting us personally. Several of us talked about how difficult it is to be separated from parents suffering from mental/physical ailments brought on by advanced age, including dementia. We discussed how hard it is to not be able to visit them at all and how painful this all is, since older people are the ones most vulnerable to the virus.

When it comes to dementia and other forms of mental decline, it is especially heartbreaking for individuals dealing with the added challenge of (mis)communication. Unfortunately, some parents don’t understand why their adult children cannot visit them right now. I understand this anguish all too well because my father had dementia, then Alzheimer’s, for more than five years before he passed. People in this condition literally live in the moment. They can’t hold onto new ideas for more than a few seconds. There were many times when I would try to explain something to my dad and he would just look at me with confusion, even though he had been a brilliant chemist his entire adult life. 

During this same virtual meeting, my friends and I discussed challenges like this, reflecting over similar experiences, shedding tears, but also sharing a sense of emotional bonding. Undoubtedly, the mutual support we received was not as strong as what might have occurred in a face-to-face meeting. Still, it was exactly what the moment required.

As anecdotes like this reveal, these are difficult times. These are painful times. My team and I specialize in helping companies build and maintain a strong, productive, and caring culture. We can be useful in harrowing moments like these when positive communication is critical to keeping employees engaged. To learn more, feel free to read about the importance I place on people in my profile in Forbes. Also, please don’t hesitate to email me @ laura@conoverconsulting.com.